Bernie's 50th, Gay Dads, and Seattle of all places

While I've wanted to log in for a couple of days now, a mild depression seemed to have overtaken me briefly. One of my nearest and dearest friends Bernie celebrated is 50th Birthday last Friday evening with a lovely catered dinner at his home for 30 friends. His actual birthday was the 6th, but he and his partner Ernie (sometimes I will refer to them as BnE) and their 3 girls were in New Mexico with the girls' birth mother.

Friday was actually my 43rd birthday.

10 years ago I helped throw Bernie's 40th at their amazing house(re: BOYS and Parties) in the Hollywood Hills above Chateau Marmont. To say that things have changed in the past 10 years is an understatement of great magnitude. None the less, I went in to Friday night with low expectations because after all, it was MY BIRTHDAY - but it wasn't about me, and to my surprise I had a really good time.

Flying in for the dinner was my long time ago boyfriend Chris - who had recently moved from Newport Beach to San Mateo in Northern California in pursuit of a new life and career. Do you still call them your Ex if it's been, what 9-10 years since we broke up? While I have not dated anyone of significance in the ensuing time frame, I know he has. It wasn't a pretty breakup and while I have always wished/hoped for some sort of friendship (my twisted thinking, that having loved someone, they do deserve some nominal space in your heart - I guess if not for pity). However, that never happened. And I know I am at as much fault as I perceive him to be. Oh yeah and did I mention that his birthday is the day after mine? Two Leos - was this doomed before it even started?;)

In any event, his smile was as adorable as always and I actually enjoyed his company for the first time in many instances.

That was the lead in I was going to write in response to an article on SLOG - it's a link I have at the left of this page, that goes to this great blog in Seattle where Dan Savage writes quite frequently. I don't know when I first heard of him, if it was when I started working at OUT Magazine and went to NYC every month or what, but I find his intelligence, humor and vulgarity so very much fun.

My train of thought almost blew past the station.

He wrote, I think it was on Saturday about a club meeting in Seattle for gay dads and their kids. Having read of his experiences as a gay parent, it was nice to hear of such a group forming (?) in Seattle. However, talk about triggering a trip down memory lane. Hang on and see if you can keep up.

The afore mentioned friends Bernie and Ernie moved from Washington, DC to LA in September of 1994. I had met Bernie on a trip he had taken here in June over Gay Pride when he had stayed with a mutual friend named Freeman. Over July 4th weekend in Provincetown (2 weeks later) I was to meet a boy who lived in Cleveland whom I thought was to become the love of my life, his name being Chris (see above).

So BnE and I become friends when they moved here in September; Chris moves to Chicago in September as well and we start dating long distance. Of course BnE, when they finally meet Chris become fast friends with him.

BnE at this time, are very social and very much a part of the Hollywood Scene, with parties galour at their fabulous house. Over the course of time Chris and I and BnE would become such good friends that we would eventually cook together, take trips together and even, and I won't deny this, would attend the "dreaded" Circuit Events together. Now this was a time when the Circuit was in it's infancy and while you can say what you will about it now, we had a lot of fun over those early years. We had lots of sober fun as well, but this is just to give some context,

The following June after we had all met, Chris calls to tell me (he's still living in Chicago - he won't move to Newport for another year) that his two dearest friends whom he's known for years, Dan and Ron are going to be moving to LA and could I be a contact/touchstone for them. Of course I said sure.

Dan was slightly older than me, a very white, preppy boy from New England whom I bonded with immediately (sidebar - Dan and I had a special relationship because of my meeting Chris on the 4th of July on that day in '94 that I'll go into later). Ron was as much his opposite, a girlie Philipino from Kentucky (go freakin figure). To this day I remember the first restaurant in West Hollywood that I took Dan to when I met him (Benvenuto in case you're wondering).

Over the ensuing years, all of us would get together (Dan and Ron and Chris, and Bernie and Ernie and me) sporadically; Dan was a lawyer, in downtown LA, a conservative Catholic gay man, and Ron was a princess who managed several different GAP stores on the Westside; they're circle of friends and mine didn't always connect or overlap, except for the once in a while when we would all have dinner with Bernie and Ernie.

A few years after Dan and Ron had moved here, they had an opportunity that would change untold lives-- a note, these guys weren't out to their parents altho they'd been together for about 10 years - I remind you this was back in '96/'97 - I think the story goes that a cousin became pregnant and the chance came for Dan and Ron to adopt her unwanted little boy.

The two became three and they became Dan and Ron and David.

During this period (coming out to your families AND adopting a child), Dan formed a support group here in LA called Pop Luck for the small group of gay men who had kids at that time. They had to meet in a synagogue on La Brea because no church would have them at that time.

Shortly after this, Bernie and Ernie decided that they were going to give up their partying ways for they had talked for years about this, that they wanted to have children. Through their surrogacy process over the course of 4 years that produced their daughters they also became part of Pop Luck, which at one point (I think) had up to 300 members - an amazing growth.

To tie all this up, as I said before at Bernie's 40th it was all BOYS BOYS BOYS and adolescent fun. While this last Friday evening was fun but in a way different order. There were only 3 gay men and one gay couple. The rest of the party consisted of the people who are now in their lives. Parents with kids - and all of the parents straight;

That's not to say that they still don't have contact with a number of their gay and lesbian friends who have kids, it's just that in LA once your kids start pre-school and K-9, it's their new friends and those parents whom you form your nucleus around--regardless of your orietation.

And when I read about the group in Seattle I thought about all of this and the support club for gay parents and how important that support will always out of necessity be...... and I remembered Dan and Ron and little David.

They were on one of the two flites from Boston on 9/11.

Peace.